adBlockCheck

Recent News

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
End Of Section
  • More News

An Open Letter from the Creator of Olestra to Fat People

Food lovers of America, a revolutionary new synthetic fat-substitute wonder-substance created under my direction has at last been approved by the FDA and will soon reach your supermarket shelves: “Olestra.” This exciting substance allows you to eat more of the foods you enjoy, without having to change your lifestyle one bit.

Imagine that, fat America, you gluttonous fucking pigs. For you—pink-faced, perfumed fat ladies who coyly sneak heaps of greased chips, creme candies and lard bars at work during your dead-end clerical jobs. Or you— heaving, walrus-shaped dullards who scratch your sweaty testicles while sitting in front of the TV lapping up cheese puffs, buttermilk, double-stuff cookies, and caramel-covered popcorn. Yes, imagine the unimaginable, you bloated, artery-clogged idiots. You can celebrate my invention in the manner which befits your disgusting existence—by stuffing your loathsome, wormy, gelatinous mouths until you burst. Without the risk of getting fatter.

I’m not even going to mention the benefits for all the young women who can now amply feed their societally induced neuroses over body image. I’m just talking to you, fatties.

Does Olestra have any side effects? You bet it does. Nutrient depletion, gastrointestinal upset, acute diarrhea and nominal anal leakage. That’s right, watery shit is going to dribble down your log-like oafish legs. But what do you care? What’s one or two more repulsive personal characteristics to you? So just keep popping those Hostess Cupcakes in your mouth like they’re Tic Tacs, you blimps.

Does it sound like I’m insulting you, you greasy, fat fucks? I suppose I am. But what are you going to do? Chase after me, huffing and puffing, for about six or eight yards before your arteries clog up and you have to stop? Or maybe you’ll threaten to not eat my exciting new fat substitute? I doubt it. That would take self-control.

You have no choice! What else can you do but eat Olestra? Eat a balanced diet? How about walk to the post office? Sound horrific? I’d better stop before you have a heart attack because you forgot to take your “I got so fat I’m going to die” medication.

Lastly, I thank you, you lard-asses, as I stand to profit handsomely from Olestra, all thanks to your laughable obesity. And to think I could have had a career in adolescent Leukemia research, scraping for grant money like a beggar. Hah! I laugh at not-for-profits now that I have been shown the true glory of the Market. Long live the Market! Long live fatties!

—Dr. Stuart Halcome, M.D.

Chief Food Scientist

Olestra Development Team

The preceding letter is an advertorial. The opinions expressed do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Onion.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close