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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Analysts Predicting Most Evenly Matched Blowout In Super Bowl History

DETROIT—Citing the Steelers' overwhelming defense and remarkable team resilience, as well as the overpowering Seahawks ground game and odds-defying tenacity, football analysts around the nation say Super Bowl XL is shaping up to be one of the most evenly matched blowouts in the history of the NFL Championship Game. "Ignore the hype about overdogs and underdogs—these are two very good teams, and we won't know which team will absolutely crush the other until halfway through the first quarter," said Sports Illustrated's Peter King. "Sunday's Super Bowl might be the most well-balanced one-sided game since the great Montana-Elway matchups." The betting lines as of press time still had Pittsburgh as a two-point favorite, though with an over/under of 34.

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