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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Anarchists Rise Up, Move To Different Cafeteria Table

BATAVIA, NY—After years of working toward an ultimate goal of smashing the dominant social and political hierarchy, the Anarchy League of Batavia South High School rose up and took action Monday, moving to another cafeteria table when this bunch of jerks from the popular kids' table wouldn't stop making faces and shooting spitballs at them. "At long last, the time has come for us to gather our books and sit over at that other table by the window where, hopefully, those guys will stop bugging us," said sophomore anarchist Lindsay Franklin, 15. "I hate those stupid idiots. They think they're so cool."

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