Anchor Ad-Libs News With 97 Percent Accuracy

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Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.
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Anchor Ad-Libs News With 97 Percent Accuracy

LINCOLN, NE—Veteran KLKN lead anchor Steve Hart, who has delivered over 5,000 newscasts for the ABC affiliate over 21 years, improvised the entire 6 p.m. report with remarkable accuracy Monday after his TelePrompTer malfunctioned just 15 seconds into the broadcast.

"A devastating fire on the city's south side has left two members of a family dead and three injured," said Hart, whose fabrication of a Lincoln City Council vote to ban smoking in area supper clubs proved completely correct, even though the anchor had no prior knowledge of the event. "And a local high school math teacher sits in a downtown jail tonight, charged with the statutory rape of a minor in his class."

According to news director David Silverstein, Hart was only wrong once: when he slightly overestimated the number of points by which the local high school basketball team lost.