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Anchor Ad-Libs News With 97 Percent Accuracy

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Anchor Ad-Libs News With 97 Percent Accuracy

LINCOLN, NE—Veteran KLKN lead anchor Steve Hart, who has delivered over 5,000 newscasts for the ABC affiliate over 21 years, improvised the entire 6 p.m. report with remarkable accuracy Monday after his TelePrompTer malfunctioned just 15 seconds into the broadcast.

"A devastating fire on the city's south side has left two members of a family dead and three injured," said Hart, whose fabrication of a Lincoln City Council vote to ban smoking in area supper clubs proved completely correct, even though the anchor had no prior knowledge of the event. "And a local high school math teacher sits in a downtown jail tonight, charged with the statutory rape of a minor in his class."

According to news director David Silverstein, Hart was only wrong once: when he slightly overestimated the number of points by which the local high school basketball team lost.

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