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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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'And Now For A Thrilling Tennis Season,' Nobody In Nation Says

NOWHERE—With Super Bowl XLV concluding the 2010 football season and with several months to go before the 2011 baseball season, absolutely nobody in the country confirmed Sunday that they were looking forward to watching tennis. "I've already requested my days off for the U.S. Open," said not one single person in the entire United States of America. "Seems like this might be the year [Novak] Djokovic finally climbs out of [Rafael] Nadal and [Roger] Federer's shadows," added an American who does not and never will exist. Although even the faintest thought of the 2011 tennis season occurred to no one whatsoever, 95 percent of the country has reportedly been wondering what Michael Chang is up to.

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