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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Anderson Cooper Decides To Keep Recent Gay Conversion Therapy Private

NEW YORK—After a period of careful self-examination, CNN’s Anderson Cooper opted not to go public with the ongoing gay conversion therapy he is receiving through a local evangelical Christian church, sources confirmed yesterday. “While it’s true my homosexuality is almost 100 percent cured, it’s still a sensitive topic I’d like to keep out of the public eye for now,” the formerly gay journalist reportedly said of his efforts to alter his sexual orientation through behavior modification and prayer. “I may give a subtle nod to it on air once I complete my rehabilitative program, but we’ll see. You just have to weigh the risks of potentially losing personal and professional connections and having to constantly stand up to those who don’t believe it’s possible to fix your deviant urges by accepting the word of Christ.” Cooper added that while he’s still not quite ready to make a formal announcement, he knows he will have to introduce his coworkers to Marie at some point.

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