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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Anderson Cooper Throws Another Box Of Letters From Gay Children Into Dumpster

NEW YORK—Speaking with reporters Tuesday after emptying another box of fan mail into the dumpster behind his Manhattan apartment, CNN news anchor Anderson Cooper explained that there was just no way he could read and respond to the substantial volume of letters he receives from his young homosexual fans. “I’m glad these children find me inspiring, but come on—I must have a hundred little gay kids writing to me each day,” the television personality said of the unending barrage of letters, photos, and thank-you notes he receives from 10- to 15-year-old homosexuals, all of which are immediately tossed into his home recycling bin or sent through his paper shredder at work. “I just have a lot on my plate right now. I’m doing [Anderson Cooper] 360°, I’m doing Anderson Live, and a lot of the time I’m out of the country on assignment. I honestly tried writing back at first, but these gay and lesbian children just won’t stop coming out to me, and it all just piles up. I’m sorry, but what else can I do?” Cooper admitted, however, that it is particularly difficult for him to ignore the children’s correspondence as he has yet to receive a response to the appreciative and reverential letter he sent to Piers Morgan last July after publicly announcing his homosexuality.

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