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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Anderson Cooper Throws Another Box Of Letters From Gay Children Into Dumpster

NEW YORK—Speaking with reporters Tuesday after emptying another box of fan mail into the dumpster behind his Manhattan apartment, CNN news anchor Anderson Cooper explained that there was just no way he could read and respond to the substantial volume of letters he receives from his young homosexual fans. “I’m glad these children find me inspiring, but come on—I must have a hundred little gay kids writing to me each day,” the television personality said of the unending barrage of letters, photos, and thank-you notes he receives from 10- to 15-year-old homosexuals, all of which are immediately tossed into his home recycling bin or sent through his paper shredder at work. “I just have a lot on my plate right now. I’m doing [Anderson Cooper] 360°, I’m doing Anderson Live, and a lot of the time I’m out of the country on assignment. I honestly tried writing back at first, but these gay and lesbian children just won’t stop coming out to me, and it all just piles up. I’m sorry, but what else can I do?” Cooper admitted, however, that it is particularly difficult for him to ignore the children’s correspondence as he has yet to receive a response to the appreciative and reverential letter he sent to Piers Morgan last July after publicly announcing his homosexuality.

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