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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Anderson Cooper Throws Another Box Of Letters From Gay Children Into Dumpster

NEW YORK—Speaking with reporters Tuesday after emptying another box of fan mail into the dumpster behind his Manhattan apartment, CNN news anchor Anderson Cooper explained that there was just no way he could read and respond to the substantial volume of letters he receives from his young homosexual fans. “I’m glad these children find me inspiring, but come on—I must have a hundred little gay kids writing to me each day,” the television personality said of the unending barrage of letters, photos, and thank-you notes he receives from 10- to 15-year-old homosexuals, all of which are immediately tossed into his home recycling bin or sent through his paper shredder at work. “I just have a lot on my plate right now. I’m doing [Anderson Cooper] 360°, I’m doing Anderson Live, and a lot of the time I’m out of the country on assignment. I honestly tried writing back at first, but these gay and lesbian children just won’t stop coming out to me, and it all just piles up. I’m sorry, but what else can I do?” Cooper admitted, however, that it is particularly difficult for him to ignore the children’s correspondence as he has yet to receive a response to the appreciative and reverential letter he sent to Piers Morgan last July after publicly announcing his homosexuality.

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