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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Andrew Luck Cut From Colts After Overthrowing Wide-Open Receiver

ANDERSON, IN—Less than a week into training camp, the Indianapolis Colts announced they had cut quarterback Andrew Luck from the roster because the rookie reportedly overthrew wide receiver Reggie Wayne by more than 2 feet during practice. "We appreciate everything Andrew has done for our organization, but we strongly believe that today's performance proves we need to move on," owner Jim Irsay said Friday, throwing his full support behind Drew Stanton as the future of the Colts. "Some may question our decision to sever ties with the No. 1 pick, but I can guarantee that anybody who saw how wide-open Reggie was would agree. I mean, that pass wasn't even close." Teams in desperate need of a quarterback now have a choice between claiming Luck or former Redskins passer Robert Griffith III, who was released Thursday after his shoe came untied.

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