Andrew Luck Gets First Whatever It’s Called When You Beat The Minnesota Vikings

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Vol 48 Issue 39

The Science Of Sex

Discovery 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Scientists take an up-close look at what attracts us to each other and why, using clinical words for stuff like “cock” and “fucking.”

Tragic Accident Kills Aspiring Living Person

BOISE, ID—According to friends and family, the automobile accident that claimed the life of area youth Evan Laskin this week tragically cut short the prospects of a talented 18-year-old who had aspired his whole life to be a living person. Those clo...

Voting Begins In Iowa

More than a month before Election Day, residents of key swing state Iowa began casting their ballots at designated polling locations yesterday as part of the state’s early voting process.

Robot Butler

Fox 9:30 p.m. EDT/8:30 p.m. CDT A drink order does not compute, so Robot Butler murders everyone.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Andrew Luck Gets First Whatever It’s Called When You Beat The Minnesota Vikings

INDIANAPOLIS—Rookie quarterback Andrew Luck helped the Colts outscore their opponents 23-20 on Sunday to earn his first whatever that thing is called when you beat the Minnesota Vikings. “It’s great that Andrew has his first one of those things you get for defeating the Vikings under his belt,” said Colts head coach Chuck Pagano, who called Luck’s achievement a “victory-esque result.” “I mean, he’s still waiting for his first win, but he’s young. Just got to take it one step at a time. The important thing is that he went into the game and tried to get that, whatever it is.” According to Pagano, Luck’s performance was even more impressive the previous week, when the quarterback managed to lose by only 20 points while playing for the Indianapolis Colts.

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