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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Andrew Luck Gets First Whatever It’s Called When You Beat The Minnesota Vikings

INDIANAPOLIS—Rookie quarterback Andrew Luck helped the Colts outscore their opponents 23-20 on Sunday to earn his first whatever that thing is called when you beat the Minnesota Vikings. “It’s great that Andrew has his first one of those things you get for defeating the Vikings under his belt,” said Colts head coach Chuck Pagano, who called Luck’s achievement a “victory-esque result.” “I mean, he’s still waiting for his first win, but he’s young. Just got to take it one step at a time. The important thing is that he went into the game and tried to get that, whatever it is.” According to Pagano, Luck’s performance was even more impressive the previous week, when the quarterback managed to lose by only 20 points while playing for the Indianapolis Colts.

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