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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Andrew Luck Repeatedly Mentions How Good His Neck Feels During Post Game Interview

GLENDALE, AZ—Stanford quarterback and projected No. 1 NFL draft pick Andrew Luck spent the majority of his post–Fiesta Bowl interview Tuesday night discussing the superb health and dexterity of his neck. "It feels great," Luck told reporters, rolling his neck a full 360 degrees several times in both directions while letting out a pleasurable sigh. "My whole spine is really clicking right now, particularly vertebrae C2 and C3—right in the neck there. But enough about my thriving cartilaginous discs, hyoid bone, sternocleidomastoid muscle, and external carotid artery. They’re all in tip-top shape, so no need to discuss them any further. Oh, hey, has anyone here ever had a kink in their neck? Because I haven’t." Luck then went on to demonstrate how he looks off defenders and scans the entire football field, saying he couldn’t imagine how anyone—even future Hall of Fame quarterbacks with a Super Bowl victory—could do that without a fully functioning neck.

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