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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Andrew Luck Repeatedly Mentions How Good His Neck Feels During Post Game Interview

GLENDALE, AZ—Stanford quarterback and projected No. 1 NFL draft pick Andrew Luck spent the majority of his post–Fiesta Bowl interview Tuesday night discussing the superb health and dexterity of his neck. "It feels great," Luck told reporters, rolling his neck a full 360 degrees several times in both directions while letting out a pleasurable sigh. "My whole spine is really clicking right now, particularly vertebrae C2 and C3—right in the neck there. But enough about my thriving cartilaginous discs, hyoid bone, sternocleidomastoid muscle, and external carotid artery. They’re all in tip-top shape, so no need to discuss them any further. Oh, hey, has anyone here ever had a kink in their neck? Because I haven’t." Luck then went on to demonstrate how he looks off defenders and scans the entire football field, saying he couldn’t imagine how anyone—even future Hall of Fame quarterbacks with a Super Bowl victory—could do that without a fully functioning neck.

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