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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.
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Andy Murray Claims It's Kind Of Pathetic Britain Taking So Much Pride In His Win At A Tennis Tournament

LONDON—After becoming the first British player to win the Wimbledon men’s singles championship since 1936, Andy Murray announced Tuesday that the amount of pride Great Britain has taken in his victory at a tennis tournament is “actually pretty pathetic.” “I’m a professional tennis player who beat another professional tennis player, and people are seriously calling it one of the greatest moments in Britain’s history?” said Murray, adding that while he understands his victory means a lot to the United Kingdom, the British public needs to “get their priorities straight, and do it fast.” “I won a tennis tournament—a prestigious tennis tournament that’s very difficult to win, but a tennis tournament nonetheless—and millions across Scotland, England, and Wales are celebrating in the streets and waving Union Flags. Don’t you think that’s a little sad? I mean, Christ, it’s not like I cured fucking cancer. Or even won the World Cup, for that matter.” Murray then tossed the Wimbledon trophy to the assembled press corps, telling reporters they could “have the goddamn thing if they’re so fucking happy about it.”

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