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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Andy Murray Claims It's Kind Of Pathetic Britain Taking So Much Pride In His Win At A Tennis Tournament

LONDON—After becoming the first British player to win the Wimbledon men’s singles championship since 1936, Andy Murray announced Tuesday that the amount of pride Great Britain has taken in his victory at a tennis tournament is “actually pretty pathetic.” “I’m a professional tennis player who beat another professional tennis player, and people are seriously calling it one of the greatest moments in Britain’s history?” said Murray, adding that while he understands his victory means a lot to the United Kingdom, the British public needs to “get their priorities straight, and do it fast.” “I won a tennis tournament—a prestigious tennis tournament that’s very difficult to win, but a tennis tournament nonetheless—and millions across Scotland, England, and Wales are celebrating in the streets and waving Union Flags. Don’t you think that’s a little sad? I mean, Christ, it’s not like I cured fucking cancer. Or even won the World Cup, for that matter.” Murray then tossed the Wimbledon trophy to the assembled press corps, telling reporters they could “have the goddamn thing if they’re so fucking happy about it.”

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