adBlockCheck

Sports

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Andy Murray Claims It's Kind Of Pathetic Britain Taking So Much Pride In His Win At A Tennis Tournament

LONDON—After becoming the first British player to win the Wimbledon men’s singles championship since 1936, Andy Murray announced Tuesday that the amount of pride Great Britain has taken in his victory at a tennis tournament is “actually pretty pathetic.” “I’m a professional tennis player who beat another professional tennis player, and people are seriously calling it one of the greatest moments in Britain’s history?” said Murray, adding that while he understands his victory means a lot to the United Kingdom, the British public needs to “get their priorities straight, and do it fast.” “I won a tennis tournament—a prestigious tennis tournament that’s very difficult to win, but a tennis tournament nonetheless—and millions across Scotland, England, and Wales are celebrating in the streets and waving Union Flags. Don’t you think that’s a little sad? I mean, Christ, it’s not like I cured fucking cancer. Or even won the World Cup, for that matter.” Murray then tossed the Wimbledon trophy to the assembled press corps, telling reporters they could “have the goddamn thing if they’re so fucking happy about it.”

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close