Andy Pettitte On Recent Win: 'Now That's What I Call Throwing A Pettitte'

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Vol 44 Issue 17

Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet

BATON ROUGE, LA—Veteran partier Adam Girard was seen pedaling down the street on a neighbor’s bicycle, yelling that he going swimming and that his collarbone was fine.

Snow Moves To CNN

Former Fox News personality and White House press secretary began his stint as a political contributor on CNN this Monday. What do you think?

Commas, Turning Up, Everywhere

WASHINGTON—In the midst of a crisis that may have reached a breaking, point Tuesday afternoon, linguists, and grammarians, everywhere say they...
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UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Andy Pettitte On Recent Win: 'Now That's What I Call Throwing A Pettitte'

BALTIMORE—New York Yankees pitcher Andy Pettitte threw seven scoreless innings during the Yankees' 7-1 victory over the Baltimore Orioles Sunday, causing the visibly proud veteran left-hander to declare his performance "a genuine Pettitte." "A couple more Pettittes like this one and I could be in store for a Cy Young season," Pettitte told reporters after the game, adding that with his cut fastball working early, he was confident in his ability to deliver a Pettitte. "The last thing I wanted to do was go out there and Mussina up the joint." Pettitte later added that he dreams of one day throwing a perfect Pettitte, though he said he is aware of how difficult it is to perform a feat requiring him to strike out 17 batters, walk three, give up one run, and still manage to get the loss.
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