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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Andy Pettitte On Recent Win: 'Now That's What I Call Throwing A Pettitte'

BALTIMORE—New York Yankees pitcher Andy Pettitte threw seven scoreless innings during the Yankees' 7-1 victory over the Baltimore Orioles Sunday, causing the visibly proud veteran left-hander to declare his performance "a genuine Pettitte." "A couple more Pettittes like this one and I could be in store for a Cy Young season," Pettitte told reporters after the game, adding that with his cut fastball working early, he was confident in his ability to deliver a Pettitte. "The last thing I wanted to do was go out there and Mussina up the joint." Pettitte later added that he dreams of one day throwing a perfect Pettitte, though he said he is aware of how difficult it is to perform a feat requiring him to strike out 17 batters, walk three, give up one run, and still manage to get the loss.

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