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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Andy Pettitte Retires To Inject HGH Without Being Harassed About It

NEW YORK—Sixteen-year veteran and five-time world champion Andy Pettitte announced his retirement from professional baseball last Friday, telling reporters he was mostly leaving the game so he could inject human growth hormone to his heart's content and not be constantly harangued about it. "I was really torn between giving baseball one more go and being able to stick myself with needle upon needle of HGH without repercussions," said Pettitte, adding that if he had been given the option to use HGH with a guarantee he wouldn't be given a hard time about it, he would still be a New York Yankee. "But it's time for me to focus on my life after baseball—specifically, how enjoyable it will be to use performance-enhancing drugs without somebody hounding me to pee in a cup." Pettitte then smiled, thanked reporters and fans, and downed more than 50 tablets from a bottle labeled Max HGH.

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