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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Andy Reid Asks Sean Payton If He Is Going To Eat His Torn MCL

PHILADELPHIA—While recovering from injuries suffered in a sideline incident last Sunday, New Orleans head coach Sean Payton received a phone call from Andy Reid in which the Eagles coach expressed his wishes for Payton to heal quickly from the fractured tibia and torn MCL, and inquired as to whether or not Payton was going to eat the damaged ligament. "You rest up and make sure you're okay, now, and if you think that MCL is just going to sit around in your fridge, well, give me a call," said Reid, who also regaled Payton with descriptions of "this great spice rub, not too hot, really savory, perfect for connective tissues" that he'd found at a barbecue shack. "Lot of people think, yeah, an MCL's too tough, but you slow-cook one with say the right marinade and it's tender as you please. Though I figure, a busy head coach like you, probably no time to simmer one of your ligaments for 10 hours, so maybe you might want someone to take it off your hands…?" Payton reportedly told Reid he was planning on healing his MCL, then hung up as Reid was inquiring as to whether the knee would have to be amputated.

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