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Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Andy Reid Asks Sean Payton If He Is Going To Eat His Torn MCL

PHILADELPHIA—While recovering from injuries suffered in a sideline incident last Sunday, New Orleans head coach Sean Payton received a phone call from Andy Reid in which the Eagles coach expressed his wishes for Payton to heal quickly from the fractured tibia and torn MCL, and inquired as to whether or not Payton was going to eat the damaged ligament. "You rest up and make sure you're okay, now, and if you think that MCL is just going to sit around in your fridge, well, give me a call," said Reid, who also regaled Payton with descriptions of "this great spice rub, not too hot, really savory, perfect for connective tissues" that he'd found at a barbecue shack. "Lot of people think, yeah, an MCL's too tough, but you slow-cook one with say the right marinade and it's tender as you please. Though I figure, a busy head coach like you, probably no time to simmer one of your ligaments for 10 hours, so maybe you might want someone to take it off your hands…?" Payton reportedly told Reid he was planning on healing his MCL, then hung up as Reid was inquiring as to whether the knee would have to be amputated.

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