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Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Andy Reid Carted Onto Field To Shake Hands With Sean Payton

PHILADELPHIA—Unable to walk off the sideline under his own power, Eagles coach Andy Reid was loaded onto a medical cart and driven to the 50-yard line to shake hands with Saints coach Sean Payton after their game Sunday. According to those in attendance, a hush fell over the crowd during the 11 minutes the team's medical staff huddled around Reid, attempting to safely hoist the coach onto the cart with a crew of six grown men. "Coach Reid was conscious, but his breathing was labored and he complained of intense pain all over his body," team physician Dr. Peter DeLuca told reporters. "Once we got him onto the cart we had to stabilize his neck out of fear that it couldn't support his head. The good news is, we only had to use the defibrillator twice." After completing the handshake, Reid gave a thumbs-up to indicate that he wanted the straw in his milkshake to be raised up to his mouth.

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