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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Andy Reid Carted Onto Field To Shake Hands With Sean Payton

PHILADELPHIA—Unable to walk off the sideline under his own power, Eagles coach Andy Reid was loaded onto a medical cart and driven to the 50-yard line to shake hands with Saints coach Sean Payton after their game Sunday. According to those in attendance, a hush fell over the crowd during the 11 minutes the team's medical staff huddled around Reid, attempting to safely hoist the coach onto the cart with a crew of six grown men. "Coach Reid was conscious, but his breathing was labored and he complained of intense pain all over his body," team physician Dr. Peter DeLuca told reporters. "Once we got him onto the cart we had to stabilize his neck out of fear that it couldn't support his head. The good news is, we only had to use the defibrillator twice." After completing the handshake, Reid gave a thumbs-up to indicate that he wanted the straw in his milkshake to be raised up to his mouth.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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