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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Andy Reid Furious At Self For Poor Clock Management At End Of 72-Oz. Steak Challenge

KANSAS CITY, MO—Lamenting his total lack of urgency while chewing, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid expressed frustration with himself Thursday over his poor clock management in the final moments of Union Grill’s 72-ounce “Belt Buster” steak challenge. “I just lost track of the clock, and the next thing I knew, there was only one minute left and still 15 ounces of steak to go,” said Reid, bemoaning the fact that he leisurely dipped every piece of the 4.5-pound sirloin in A.1. Sauce while precious seconds continued running off the clock. “Once I realized how little time was left, I tried to hurry up and managed to get most of it down, but I had trouble lining up the next chunk. I always say how important it is to eat with all your heart for the full 60 minutes, and don’t look ahead to the next meal, and days like today show why. But there’s no one to blame but myself.” Reid added that to avoid a similar mistake in the future, he is simply going to eat the entire steak in a single mouthful.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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