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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Andy Reid Grumbles Something About Rebuilding Mode As Sandwich Falls Apart In Hands

BETHLEHEM, PA—During an hour-long lunch break at Eagles training camp Friday, Philadelphia head coach Andy Reid mumbled something about rebuilding mode as a homemade Italian sandwich slowly began falling apart in his hands. "Everything is in disarray right now, so it's important to set up a solid foundation and build from there," said Reid, muttering to himself while ham, capocollo, provolone, and mayonnaise slipped out of a kaiser roll and fell onto his lap. "Need to be patient while we get this thing back to the level we all want, because it'll take time. Have to plug up all the holes in the middle for sure, maybe with some roasted peppers or a few cuts of salami with ranch dressing. Still need to acquire several more key pieces of cheese." After struggling to reconstruct the sandwich for several minutes, a frustrated Reid told team sources he "may need to start over with a few fundamental components" and shoveled a wad of meat, bread, and cheese into his mouth.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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