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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Andy Reid Grumbles Something About Rebuilding Mode As Sandwich Falls Apart In Hands

BETHLEHEM, PA—During an hour-long lunch break at Eagles training camp Friday, Philadelphia head coach Andy Reid mumbled something about rebuilding mode as a homemade Italian sandwich slowly began falling apart in his hands. "Everything is in disarray right now, so it's important to set up a solid foundation and build from there," said Reid, muttering to himself while ham, capocollo, provolone, and mayonnaise slipped out of a kaiser roll and fell onto his lap. "Need to be patient while we get this thing back to the level we all want, because it'll take time. Have to plug up all the holes in the middle for sure, maybe with some roasted peppers or a few cuts of salami with ranch dressing. Still need to acquire several more key pieces of cheese." After struggling to reconstruct the sandwich for several minutes, a frustrated Reid told team sources he "may need to start over with a few fundamental components" and shoveled a wad of meat, bread, and cheese into his mouth.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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