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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Andy Reid Grumbles Something About Rebuilding Mode As Sandwich Falls Apart In Hands

BETHLEHEM, PA—During an hour-long lunch break at Eagles training camp Friday, Philadelphia head coach Andy Reid mumbled something about rebuilding mode as a homemade Italian sandwich slowly began falling apart in his hands. "Everything is in disarray right now, so it's important to set up a solid foundation and build from there," said Reid, muttering to himself while ham, capocollo, provolone, and mayonnaise slipped out of a kaiser roll and fell onto his lap. "Need to be patient while we get this thing back to the level we all want, because it'll take time. Have to plug up all the holes in the middle for sure, maybe with some roasted peppers or a few cuts of salami with ranch dressing. Still need to acquire several more key pieces of cheese." After struggling to reconstruct the sandwich for several minutes, a frustrated Reid told team sources he "may need to start over with a few fundamental components" and shoveled a wad of meat, bread, and cheese into his mouth.

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