Andy Roddick Retires At Top Of Everyone Else's Game

Top Headlines


Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Andy Roddick Retires At Top Of Everyone Else's Game

NEW YORK—After losing in the fourth round of the U.S. Open to Juan Martin del Potro, Andy Roddick officially retired from professional tennis Wednesday, walking away from the sport while at the peak of his competitors’ careers.

Roddick, who spoke with reporters at Flushing Meadows following the defeat, confirmed that he owed it to fans to step down at the pinnacle of his rivals’ talent and physical ability, saying he felt honored and blessed to retire while an intense desire to win still burned deeply inside Roger Federer, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, and Andy Murray.

“To hang it up when those guys are still hitting on all cylinders and dominating opponents—I wouldn’t want to go out any other way,” said Roddick, who hasn’t won a major since 2003. “They’re winning on their own terms, and that’s how I wanted to end my tennis career. With them prevailing on the court in a commanding fashion.”

“I always said I didn’t want to be around if David Ferrer wasn’t playing at the highest level possible,” added Roddick, who was reportedly pleased that he could leave tennis with his competitors’ games intact.

Appearing overwhelmed with emotion, Roddick tearfully admitted that he was very grateful for the opportunity to end his career on such a high note for the world’s greatest tennis players.

“Saying goodbye isn’t easy, but I’m proud and thankful that I’m calling it quits at a time when Tomas Berdych, Juan Monaco, and Novak Djokovic are continuing to play at an elite level,” said Roddick, who finished his career with just one Grand Slam victory. “That’s the memory I want to leave behind.”

“The best in the world being the best and me not being the best,” Roddick continued.

Roddick has long expressed concerns about playing until the tennis superstars were past their prime, claiming he felt it was best to retire before their skills had eroded. The 30-year-old was reportedly satisfied that he could go out with Djokovic still able to run across the court without any problems and Nadal’s devastating forehand showing no signs of decline.

“I never wanted to be around when Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Janko Tipsarevic, and John Isner were ravaged by injuries and couldn’t keep up with the demands of professional tennis,” Roddick said. “I hoped to pack it in before they started playing mediocre and a guy like Andy Roddick could beat them.”

“I don’t want to see those guys get beat by someone like me,” Roddick added.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close