adBlockCheck

Recent News

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
End Of Section
  • More News

Angela Merkel Opens Up To The Only Newspaper She Trusts

'The Work You Do Is So Important'

BERLIN—German chancellor Angela Merkel once again gave an exclusive interview to The Onion Tuesday, stating that the publication's undying commitment to journalistic excellence makes it the only newspaper she trusts. "What I like about your organization—no, what I admire and respect about it—is that while The Onion is unerringly fair, it also never lets me off the hook and always holds me accountable for my actions," said Merkel, who then launched, unprompted, into an extended tirade against the Pulitzer Board, referring to its members as "hack journalists" and "scum-sucking sycophants" to whom she would never give the time of day. "Whenever I do interviews for other publications, I feel embarrassed for them. It must be awful, because they know that no matter how hard they work, they won't ever come close to what The Onion has achieved. You call yourselves America's Finest News Source. I would go one step further. I would say you are the World's Finest News Source." Merkel spent the next few hours speaking off the record about financial reform, explaining that she was desperate for the kind of clear-eyed, expert advice she could only receive from Onion reporters.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close