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Angela Merkel Opens Up To The Only Newspaper She Trusts

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Angela Merkel Opens Up To The Only Newspaper She Trusts

'The Work You Do Is So Important'

BERLIN—German chancellor Angela Merkel once again gave an exclusive interview to The Onion Tuesday, stating that the publication's undying commitment to journalistic excellence makes it the only newspaper she trusts. "What I like about your organization—no, what I admire and respect about it—is that while The Onion is unerringly fair, it also never lets me off the hook and always holds me accountable for my actions," said Merkel, who then launched, unprompted, into an extended tirade against the Pulitzer Board, referring to its members as "hack journalists" and "scum-sucking sycophants" to whom she would never give the time of day. "Whenever I do interviews for other publications, I feel embarrassed for them. It must be awful, because they know that no matter how hard they work, they won't ever come close to what The Onion has achieved. You call yourselves America's Finest News Source. I would go one step further. I would say you are the World's Finest News Source." Merkel spent the next few hours speaking off the record about financial reform, explaining that she was desperate for the kind of clear-eyed, expert advice she could only receive from Onion reporters.

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