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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Angela Merkel Opens Up To The Only Newspaper She Trusts

'The Work You Do Is So Important'

BERLIN—German chancellor Angela Merkel once again gave an exclusive interview to The Onion Tuesday, stating that the publication's undying commitment to journalistic excellence makes it the only newspaper she trusts. "What I like about your organization—no, what I admire and respect about it—is that while The Onion is unerringly fair, it also never lets me off the hook and always holds me accountable for my actions," said Merkel, who then launched, unprompted, into an extended tirade against the Pulitzer Board, referring to its members as "hack journalists" and "scum-sucking sycophants" to whom she would never give the time of day. "Whenever I do interviews for other publications, I feel embarrassed for them. It must be awful, because they know that no matter how hard they work, they won't ever come close to what The Onion has achieved. You call yourselves America's Finest News Source. I would go one step further. I would say you are the World's Finest News Source." Merkel spent the next few hours speaking off the record about financial reform, explaining that she was desperate for the kind of clear-eyed, expert advice she could only receive from Onion reporters.

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