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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Angelina Jolie Stuns In First Rollerblading Competition Since Double Mastectomy

ARCADIA, CA—Famed actress and activist Angelina Jolie wowed Grindside Street Comp spectators Sunday in her first public aggressive inline skating competition since undergoing a preventive double mastectomy earlier this year. “I think a lot of people were wondering what it would be like when she got back out there on the half-pipe again, but her performance was flawless—she’s a world-class blader, and she proved it today,” fellow women’s vert competitor Cecilia Gonzales said of 37-year-old Jolie, who reportedly dazzled the crowd with an inspiring arsenal of stunts including a top-acid turn, an alley-oop unity, and a stunning double backflip. “When she opened with a frontside I figured she was just going to take it easy, but then she goes and pulls a sick mizou with a 540 hurricane. And I was just like, ‘Damn. Still got it.’” When interviewed after receiving third place in the women’s vert event, Jolie told reporters it was great to be back and urged young skaters to consider the importance of proper training and protective gear.

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