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Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Angelina Jolie Stuns In First Rollerblading Competition Since Double Mastectomy

ARCADIA, CA—Famed actress and activist Angelina Jolie wowed Grindside Street Comp spectators Sunday in her first public aggressive inline skating competition since undergoing a preventive double mastectomy earlier this year. “I think a lot of people were wondering what it would be like when she got back out there on the half-pipe again, but her performance was flawless—she’s a world-class blader, and she proved it today,” fellow women’s vert competitor Cecilia Gonzales said of 37-year-old Jolie, who reportedly dazzled the crowd with an inspiring arsenal of stunts including a top-acid turn, an alley-oop unity, and a stunning double backflip. “When she opened with a frontside I figured she was just going to take it easy, but then she goes and pulls a sick mizou with a 540 hurricane. And I was just like, ‘Damn. Still got it.’” When interviewed after receiving third place in the women’s vert event, Jolie told reporters it was great to be back and urged young skaters to consider the importance of proper training and protective gear.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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