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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Angels Hoping They Can Get Mike Napoli Back Now That They Have Albert Pujols And C.J. Wilson To Trade

ANAHEIM, CA—After spending $330 million on big-time free agents Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson, Los Angeles Angels officials said Monday they now feel they have the pieces in place to make a trade for former Angels catcher Mike Napoli. "At first we thought we could make a run at Mike by offering a player-for-player trade, but we ultimately realized the Rangers would probably want more than just C.J. Wilson," said general manager Jerry Dipoto, adding that getting back the lifetime .264 hitter is the team's top priority. "So we signed Albert Pujols. And if the Rangers aren't willing to accept both of those guys, which I completely understand, we've already inked a $140 million contract with Prince Fielder." Dipoto said that when he presented the deal to Nolan Ryan, the Rangers president was speechless, prompting Dipoto to throw in every single Angels draft pick through 2034.

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