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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Angels Hoping They Can Get Mike Napoli Back Now That They Have Albert Pujols And C.J. Wilson To Trade

ANAHEIM, CA—After spending $330 million on big-time free agents Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson, Los Angeles Angels officials said Monday they now feel they have the pieces in place to make a trade for former Angels catcher Mike Napoli. "At first we thought we could make a run at Mike by offering a player-for-player trade, but we ultimately realized the Rangers would probably want more than just C.J. Wilson," said general manager Jerry Dipoto, adding that getting back the lifetime .264 hitter is the team's top priority. "So we signed Albert Pujols. And if the Rangers aren't willing to accept both of those guys, which I completely understand, we've already inked a $140 million contract with Prince Fielder." Dipoto said that when he presented the deal to Nolan Ryan, the Rangers president was speechless, prompting Dipoto to throw in every single Angels draft pick through 2034.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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