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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Anne Hathaway, James Franco Spend Every Moment Of Oscars Tearing Into Jesse Eisenberg

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Academy Awards hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway spent the entire three-hour broadcast Sunday absolutely ripping apart Social Network star Jesse Eisenberg with a barrage of clever one-liners, cutting jabs, and outright name-calling. "In the Best Actor category tonight, we have a king, a grizzled U.S. Marshal, and a big nerd who never gets laid being played by another big nerd who never gets laid," said Hathaway, introducing the award’'s presenter and adding that Eisenberg looked like he was "about ready to crap his pants." "Hey Jesse, your mom told us we need to wrap things up so we can get you home before bedtime, you little dork." Representatives from the American Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences have reportedly invited Franco and Hathaway back for next year's ceremony, saying they loved the bit where Franco inserted himself into scenes from all the Best Picture nominees and talked about how small Eisenberg's penis must be.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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