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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Anne Hathaway, James Franco Spend Every Moment Of Oscars Tearing Into Jesse Eisenberg

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Academy Awards hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway spent the entire three-hour broadcast Sunday absolutely ripping apart Social Network star Jesse Eisenberg with a barrage of clever one-liners, cutting jabs, and outright name-calling. "In the Best Actor category tonight, we have a king, a grizzled U.S. Marshal, and a big nerd who never gets laid being played by another big nerd who never gets laid," said Hathaway, introducing the award’'s presenter and adding that Eisenberg looked like he was "about ready to crap his pants." "Hey Jesse, your mom told us we need to wrap things up so we can get you home before bedtime, you little dork." Representatives from the American Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences have reportedly invited Franco and Hathaway back for next year's ceremony, saying they loved the bit where Franco inserted himself into scenes from all the Best Picture nominees and talked about how small Eisenberg's penis must be.

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