How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Anne Hathaway Tormented By 14-Year-Old Bully

LOS ANGELES—Calling the teen’s behavior “ruthless” and “out of control,” Oscar-winning actress Anne Hathaway confirmed to reporters today that for the past few months she has been routinely and viciously bullied both in person and across a wide variety of social media by 14-year-old Jenny Schroeder.

According to Hathaway, the “incredibly mean” eighth-grader has targeted the Hollywood leading lady specifically with increasingly brazen acts of cruelty, including posting threatening messages on the 30-year-old’s Facebook page and making numerous disparaging remarks about Hathaway’s physical appearance, often uttered directly to her or within earshot of her.

“At first it was just super mean comments when she’d pass by me, like, ‘Hey, loser,’ but it’s gotten way, way worse—it’s a nightmare,” said Hathaway, adding that Schroeder is currently waging a war against Hathaway on social media sites, The Dirty, Kik, and Askfm, where the girl’s messages ranged from mocking the actress’ outfits to encouraging her to take her own life. “She sends me notes and stuff telling me that my boobs are weird and that boys think I’m ugly and gross. I try to shut it out, but it’s just relentless.”

“And all of her friends have gotten in on it too,” added Hathaway, wiping tears from her eyes. “I try to avoid them, but they’re always around. They’re awful. I can hear them laughing at me wherever I go.”

According to sources, the cyberbullying directed at Hathaway has been particularly vicious, with posts reading, “Kill yourself,” “Die die die, why don’t u die people hate u,” “Do you think you look good with short hair because you definitely don’t, you look like a slutty elf,” “u r a special needs actress,” and “u got an oscar for being the 1st overweight transvestite actress with AIDS.”

Friends and family recently confirmed to reporters that the bullied Hathaway began cutting and burning herself as a coping mechanism for stress on the set of the Christopher Nolan film Interstellar, and aides close to the actress fear her self-destructive behavior has expanded to include anorexia and a dangerous laxative addiction.

As Hathaway appeared to deteriorate from the constant stream of digital abuse, her mother threatened to call Jenny Schroeder’s parents, but Hathaway reportedly begged her to stay out of the issue.

“She just started crying hysterically and screamed, ‘No, Mom—you can’t call [Schroeder’s] mom, it’ll just make things worse!’” said Hathaway’s mother, adding that she was alarmed and saddened to discover that her daughter had recently conducted Google searches for “Is Anne Hathaway the biggest loser in the world,” “What is overweight for a 30-year-old girl,” and “How much Tylenol do you have to take to die” on her mother’s computer. “This Jenny girl thinks it’s funny and that she’s just having fun, but what she’s doing to my daughter is wrong.”

“We are all trying to support Anne—her dad and I, her friends, her costars, her agent—but it’s been really hard,” she said. “I try to tell her, ‘You’re better than Jenny Schroeder,’ but I just don’t think anything’s getting through.”

While numerous people have posted support for Hathaway on Facebook and Twitter, telling her to “remain brave” and “stay strong,” reports confirmed that just as many have joined Hathaway’s tormentor in levying cruel insults against the actress.

“Ha ha you’re a dumb, ugly lesbo, Jenny’s right,” read a recent tweet directed at Hathaway by Twitter user @channingtatum. “Fuk off and die.”

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