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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Announcing The Winners Of Our Super Bowl One Second Ad Contest

Thank you, Domers, for all of your submissions to OSN’s One Second Chance Super Bowl Contest. They were all terrific. Choosing a single video to represent the love you all have for OSN to be seen by billions of viewers worldwide during the Super Bowl was extremely difficult, and was only made more so by the outdated policies of the FCC and the Fox Network’s obstinacy.

The winning video, "monkeys bangin," received three times as many votes as the second place clip and we looked forward to seeing it during the Super Bowl.

When we sent the clip to the Fox Network, however, they refused to air it on the grounds that it fell short of their minimum time requirement for commercials. We then sent them an extended version (at great cost to us), essentially a 30-second loop of said monkeys, but were then informed by the FCC that 30 seconds of simulated monkey sex violated numerous broadcasting statutes and "commonly-held standards of decency."

Domers, given the choice between submitting a clip that you did not select as your favorite and boycotting the farce that is Super Bowl advertising to prove a point, we chose the latter. We hope that you understand our decision. We would, however, like to point out some of our personal favorite and most popular submissions.

Make sure to watch tonight's SportsDome. We've got all the deets on the Super Bowl plus breaking news about Shaq's trade to the Mavericks in order to be broken down and used for parts. 

Honorable Mention #1: ScreenTeamShow submitted Chad Proposes To OSN

Honorable Mention #2: BlackNerdComedy submitted BALLS

Honorable Mention #3: armenchizzel submitted LASER SQUIRREL

Honorable Mention #4: dagostino713 submitted Bear Tackle

Honorable Mention #5: videokeif submitted It's Good!

Honorable Mention #6: leeraymac71 submitted Move

Although your ads did not air during the Super Bowl, they are being mentioned in a blog post about the Super Bowl, which is pretty close.

In the meantime, keep it glued to the Dome. We’ve got plenty more contests coming up, including our “Submit an Idea For An OSN Contest Contest,” in which you the fans come up with the idea for a contest.

Congratulations and thanks to everyone who entered. You are all Domers.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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