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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Annoying Ad Turns Man Pro-Whaling

NASHUA, NH— A TV ad for WhaleSave sufficiently irritated local resident Nathan Mimms to cause him to reverse his longtime anti-whaling stance. "Christ, this is annoying," said Mimms during a Monday airing of the spot, which features images of majestic whales rising out of the ocean as Enya's "Fallen Embers" plays. "Fuck the whales. I'd rather they go extinct if it means never having to see this ad again."

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