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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Annoying Friend Always Flabbergasted By Over-Under

MIDDLE RIVER, MD—According to his irritated friends, local man Mike Dreyer is inexplicably shocked and angered whenever he hears the over-under oddsmakers have set for any sporting event whatsoever. "It's like he takes it personally or something," said Dreyer's friend Matt Brands, who makes a point of putting away the local sports page before Dreyer comes over so he can't consult it. "Nobody cares if Mike thinks the Texans' performance on artificial turf warrants something more like an over-under of 42 than 45. He's never made a bet in his life anyway." At press time, Dreyer was not asked to comment about the Super Bowl spread.

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