Annoying Stickler Insists On Every Detail Of Space Mission Being Exactly Right

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What You Need To Know About ‘Female Viagra’

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Timeline Of Google’s History

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How Hackers Steal Data From Websites

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Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

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How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

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Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen

‘Fuck It, We’re Done,’ Say Scientists

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What We’ve Learned About Pluto

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Timeline Of Mass Extinction

Scientists predict that human activity has put the world on the brink of the sixth mass extinction in earth’s history, an event characterized by the elimination of a large number of species within a very short period of time. Here is a timeline of extinction events over the planet’s history

Study: Floating Heap Of Trash Now Ocean’s Apex Predator

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that no marine species posed a threat and the total domination of its habitat, a study released Wednesday by researchers at the University of California, Santa Barbara revealed that the floating mass of trash known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now the ocean’s apex predator.

Dementia Study Reveals Fond Memories First To Go

BALTIMORE—Researchers at Johns Hopkins University published a new study this week on the cognitive effects of Alzheimer’s disease and other deteriorative brain disorders, finding conclusive evidence that dementia sufferers’ fondest memories are nearly always the first to go.

FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man

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New Report Finds Humanity 10 Years Away From Something Called Ash Age

TUCSON, AZ—Explaining that the large-scale shift in geologic conditions and social organization would require a new taxonomic classification, researchers at the University of Arizona released a report Tuesday revealing that humanity is approximately 10 years away from something that will be called the Ash Age.

NASA Announces Bold Plan To Still Exist By 2045

WASHINGTON—In what is being described as the most ambitious mission ever undertaken in the space agency’s history, NASA officials announced at a press conference Tuesday their bold new plan to still exist by 2045.

YouTube Turns 10

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Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

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Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock

FORT COLLINS, CO—Describing the discovery as the most flawless specimen ever unearthed, a team of geologists working in northern Colorado announced Friday they had excavated a fully intact rock.

Rehabilitated Otter Released Back Into Food Chain

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Conservationists Attempting To Get Head Start On Mars

WASHINGTON—Fearing that any further delay might prevent their movement from having any meaningful impact, a consortium of leading conservationists confirmed Wednesday it is attempting to get a head start on preserving the planet Mars. The newly form...

Apple MacBook vs. Google Chromebook Pixel

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How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

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Features Of The Apple Car

After dominating sales of smartphones, tablets, and other electronics, Apple is reportedly secretly designing its first car, code-named Titan.

2015 Tech Trends

Showcasing everything from wearable devices to self-driving cars and personal drones, this year’s Consumer Electronics Show revealed the latest in new technology.

Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Scientists Receive $10 Million Grant To Melt Stuff

COLLEGE PARK, MD—Saying the money would help further researchers’ understanding of the awesome scientific phenomenon, representatives for the American Institute of Physics announced Tuesday that they had received a $10 million grant to melt st...
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Annoying Stickler Insists On Every Detail Of Space Mission Being Exactly Right

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL— Moments after having their shuttle launch delayed, Discovery astronauts complained once again Monday about John Wilkins—that annoying little program manager who insists on every detail of every space mission being exactly right.

Wilkins [inset] nags the flight crew about every single directional coordinate.

Wilkins, who is reportedly always double-checking launch parameters for no good reason, and sticking his nose into parts of the spacecraft that have always worked just fine, delayed the NASA flight for the third time this past month.

"It's always 'Are the solid rocket boosters functioning at full capacity?' and 'Do the liquid oxygen prevalves operate as required?' with John," Discovery commander James Reid said. "If it weren't for that guy, we'd already be in space by now."

In addition to his insistence on mission coordinates being 100 percent accurate, Wilkins reportedly spends all his time obsessing about Discovery's general purpose computers, which ignite the main engines and ensure that the craft can safely reach the speed of 18,000 mph.

"Is there anything John doesn't worry about?" said Michael Dennigan, the shuttle crew's second-in-command. "This isn't rocket science—you'd think he'd try to relax a bit."

Since he was assigned to it last year, Wilkins has aborted the NASA mission for a wide range of seemingly unimportant reasons, including a 4-inch crack in the exterior hull of the ship, the failure of several engine cut-off sensors, and what has been described as "the smallest of possible thunderstorms."

<i>Discovery</i> astronauts run through "about the 30,000th" emergency landing simulation.

Following their latest delay, Discovery crew members were seen throwing up their arms, shaking their heads in disgust, and letting out a unified, exasperated sigh.

"The goal of this mission is to launch into space both safely and successfully," announced Wilkins, who then spent an interminable number of hours tinkering with the retrieval system responsible for guiding the spacecraft back to Earth. "It is of chief importance that everything goes as planned."

The insufferable perfectionist's fixation goes beyond ship maintenance and safety, however. In the past six months, Wilkins has totally smothered Discovery astronauts, forcing them to complete endless navigation simulations, practice sea survival techniques despite the lack of water in space, and train for all kinds of hypothetical emergency evacuations, the vast majority of which will never even happen.

"I'm healthy, willing, and able," pilot Harold King said. "Come on. This is NASA we're talking about here. Everything is going to be fine."

In its 51-year history, NASA has launched more than 150 successful manned missions into space, and, with only three recorded disasters, many at the Kennedy Space Center have reportedly begun to lose their patience.

In the past week, Cape Canaveral sources have observed the astronauts pass the time by pacing back and forth, bouncing tennis balls against the wall, and pretending as if they were already in space. Throughout it all, Wilkins has continued his incessant fiddling, going so far as to fix the ship's onboard radio early Thursday morning.

"He's making the flight engineers review the ship for two days? I can see it from here. It's fine," James Reid said. "The equipment's good, the fuel's good, the gyroscopic compass that keep us from floating aimlessly out into the vacuum space is good. What more does he want?"

Added Reid, "I'm starting to hope our shuttle disintegrates just to spite that guy."