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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Annoying, Well-Adjusted Friend Even Fucking Meditating Now

LOWELL, MA—Noting how he piled on yet another healthy practice to his perfectly goddamned balanced lifestyle, exasperated friends confirmed Wednesday that annoying, well-adjusted 32-year-old Ryan Miller is even fucking meditating now. “Christ, the emotionally stable fucker already loves his job, exercises four times a week, and now he has the balls to spend 10 minutes every morning sitting quietly and breathing deeply to clear his mind,” said longtime friend Michael Saunders, adding that it was bad enough when the irritatingly healthy Miller switched from drinking coffee to herbal tea. “Now, along with having great, fulfilling relationships with friends and family, Ryan’s built time into his healthy lifestyle to further improve his fucking self-awareness and concentration. God, that even-tempered asshole claims it’s really reducing his stress, too. Prick.” At press time, Saunders told reporters that if his aggravating, good-natured friend posted one more sun salutation picture on Facebook, he would unfriend the man on the spot.

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