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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Annual 6-Sentence Conversation With Cousin Goes Smoothly

PEORIA, IL—In keeping with the pair’s time-honored yearly tradition, local resident Bruce Malden reportedly made it through a “smooth and uneventful” six-sentence exchange with cousin Jeanelle Fowler at his family’s annual reunion last weekend. “Hey, how have you been?” Malden said to his cousin, who according to sources answered without hesitation that she had, in fact, been doing fine. “Doing pretty good myself. Can’t complain, anyway. You still liking it out there in Seattle?” Reports later confirmed that the fifth and sixth sentences spoken by Malden consisted of the single-word responses “Good” and “Uh-huh,” respectively.

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