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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Anorexic Woman At Gym Looking Good

Look at that caved-in chest and that sallow face. Does it get any sexier?
Look at that caved-in chest and that sallow face. Does it get any sexier?

CHICAGO—Citing her shapeless physique, protruding skeleton, and jaundiced complexion, gym members exercising at a local Equinox Fitness Club on Friday confirmed that the anorexic woman working out on the first floor is looking good.

“Oh, man, she looks amazing,” Equinox member John Stevens said while watching the 80-pound sexpot walk across the floor in a tight spandex outfit that exposed her distended stomach, sinewy musculature, and thin, translucent skin. “She’s totally hot.”

“She’s here all the time, and whenever I see her, all I can think about is running my hands along her protuberant vertebrae all the way down to her shriveled ass,” he continued, glancing up from his treadmill once more to get a good look at the woman’s seductive, shrunken breasts and long, corpselike legs. “Man, I just want to take her home and break her in half. It wouldn’t be that hard.”

According to Equinox staff members, the gorgeous emaciated woman joined the fitness center two years ago when she moved to the city for work, and immediately drew attention for being an absolute knockout, especially with her gaunt face and prematurely aged body. Since then, male and female members alike have frequently asked the identity of the stunning young woman with boney clavicles, jagged kneecaps, and sunken, hollow cheekbones.

Staffers said that just last week, no fewer than five secret admirers approached the information kiosk to inquire about the skeletal, withered woman who works out on the same treadmill every morning at 6 a.m.

“I don’t know what’s cuter, the way her sports bra clings to her flattened chest as she sweats, the way her elbows stick out at acute angles when she pumps her spindly arms, or the fact that you can wrap your hands all the way around the circumference of her thighs,” an anonymous admirer told reporters, adding that he gets “really turned on” whenever she bends over and flaunts her jutting tailbone. “The curves of her rib cage, the stunning watery eyes, the patch of shiny scalp peeking through her brittle, thinning hair—she’s basically got the whole package.”

“I mean, she obviously works hard for it,” he added, noting her rigorous workout routine and apparent commitment to starving herself. “I wonder if she’s single. Wait, what am I saying? There’s no way she is. Not with a cadaverous body like that.”

At press time, the anorexic hottie was on her sixth mile on the treadmill, looking as ravishing and underfed as ever.

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