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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Another Boxing Hall Of Fame Induction Ends With Everyone Punching Each Other

CANASTOTA, NY—Though it started as a typical celebration of such boxing icons as Mike Tyson and Julio Cesar Chavez, last Sunday's International Boxing Hall of Fame induction ceremony once again devolved into a 200-person melee of hooks, jabs, and uppercuts, the event concluding in the same fashion it has throughout its 22-year existence. "There’s a lot of testosterone in that room to begin with, but then one person says the wrong thing to somebody else and the whole thing goes off pretty much on cue—people at the podium are punching each other, people in attendance are punching each other, and the whole room is basically one big boxing match," Hall of Fame director Ed Brophy told reporters, adding that before he was decked by Tyson, he got in a couple of pretty good shots on 68-year-old inductee Ignacio Beristain. “Sure, we broke some tables, stained some of the carpet with blood, and that one guy died on the way to the hospital, but it's the Boxing Hall of Fame. That's what happens here." Sylvester Stallone, also a 2011 inductee, was reportedly knocked out with one punch six seconds into the fight.

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