Another Bunch Of Southerners Dead

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


Another Bunch Of Southerners Dead

THE SOUTH—Yet another deadly tornado, hurricane, flash flood or some other weather disaster ripped through the Southeast Monday, leaving yet another bunch of Southerners dead in its wake. The disaster—which overturned yet another 2,700 mobile homes, submerged yet another 1,500 cars, and left yet another 55,000 people without electricity and water—is said to be the worst in Texas, Florida, Tennessee or some other place down South since last Friday.