Another Bunch Of Southerners Dead

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Vol 33 Issue 16

Husband Calls For Greater Restrictions On Pier One Imports

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Fed up with what he called an "unacceptably high influx" of wicker crap into the Pollan home, Arlington Heights husband John Pollan called for tougher restrictions on Pier One imports during a living-room press conference Monday. "If steps are not taken, this house will soon be overrun by end tables, pillowcases, glassware, throw rugs, bath towels, lamps and stationery," said Pollan, addressing his wife, Suzanne. "The flow of Pier One imports into this house must be significantly reduced, or I will order a total embargo on merchandise from that store, as well as a freeze on all joint credit-card accounts."

Bank Patrons Can Expect Same Poor Service After Merger

ROANOKE, VA—A day after the bank's record-breaking $42 billion merger with First Federal of Virginia, spokespersons for Midlantic Trust held a press conference Monday to assure Midlantic customers that they can still expect the same atrocious service they have always received in the past. "Just because we've merged with First Federal doesn't mean we've changed," Midlantic president Harlan Shore said. "In the future, you can expect the same long lines, stand-offish tellers, and exorbitantly high loan rates you've come to count on here at Midlantic."

Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer Co-Sign Apartment Lease

IRVINE, CA—In a mega-deal that is sending shockwaves through the apartment-rental industry, rappers Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer co-signed a one-year, $550-a-month lease Tuesday. The deal, which includes heat, on-street parking and utilities, guarantees the early-'90s superstars a place to live through September 1999. "I am extremely excited about this joint-living venture between myself and MC Hammer," Vanilla Ice said. "I look forward to sharing this two-bedroom apartment with him and am confident we can work together to keep the kitchen and living-room areas clean." The pair is not permitted to have pets.

Area Stoner Has Mind-Blowing Out-Of-Cheetos Experience

AUSTIN, TX—Area stoner Clyde "Duane" Fontaine, a self-described "part-time mop guy and full-time connoisseur of el primo cheeba cheeba," had a transcendent, mind-blowing moment of insight during a mystical out-of-Cheetos experience Monday.

Funny Monkey Tested On

DAYTON, OH—Captain Bananas, a funny little monkey whose simian shenanigans never fail to crack up everyone he meets, was strenuously and repeatedly tested on at ViviTech Consumer Products Research Laboratory last week.

I Lost 32 Pounds In 15 Days And Died!

I never knew losing those extra pounds could be so easy until I discovered VitaLoss. With the help of this miracle weight-loss system, developed by nutritionists at ProStart labs, I lost 32 pounds in 15 days, and died!

The Shroud Of Turin

On public display for the first time in 20 years, the Shroud Of Turin—believed by millions to be Christ's burial shroud, despite being carbon-dated to the Middle Ages—is once again a hot topic of debate. What do you think?
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Another Bunch Of Southerners Dead

THE SOUTH—Yet another deadly tornado, hurricane, flash flood or some other weather disaster ripped through the Southeast Monday, leaving yet another bunch of Southerners dead in its wake. The disaster—which overturned yet another 2,700 mobile homes, submerged yet another 1,500 cars, and left yet another 55,000 people without electricity and water—is said to be the worst in Texas, Florida, Tennessee or some other place down South since last Friday.

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