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Another Disgusting Operation Proves John McCain Is Healthy

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.
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Another Disgusting Operation Proves John McCain Is Healthy

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—In an act designed to completely reassure voters about his health, presidential candidate John McCain checked himself into the Mayo Clinic yesterday, where he successfully completed another unbearably bloody, invasive, and most foul operation. "Sen. McCain's enterocutaneous fistula was treated swiftly and without incident, " said Dr. Michael Yardley, standing before the press covered in the 72-year-old's blood and fecal matter. "After we breached the abdominal wall to take numerous tissue samples from his small intestine, it was clear the senator was in perfect health for his age. A few more simple blood and mucus tests too horrifying to discuss here and the senator will be fit as a fiddle." Next month, doctors at the Cleveland Clinic will manually disimpact stool from McCain's fetid rectum in what is expected to be a painless procedure for the spry and virile Arizona senator.

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