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Politics

Priebus Grateful He Had So Little Dignity To Begin With

WASHINGTON—Taking stock of his present circumstances as he packed up his belongings and exited the West Wing after being pushed out of office by the president of the United States, former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus expressed a sense of gratitude Friday that he had so little dignity to begin with.

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Another Disgusting Operation Proves John McCain Is Healthy

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—In an act designed to completely reassure voters about his health, presidential candidate John McCain checked himself into the Mayo Clinic yesterday, where he successfully completed another unbearably bloody, invasive, and most foul operation. "Sen. McCain's enterocutaneous fistula was treated swiftly and without incident, " said Dr. Michael Yardley, standing before the press covered in the 72-year-old's blood and fecal matter. "After we breached the abdominal wall to take numerous tissue samples from his small intestine, it was clear the senator was in perfect health for his age. A few more simple blood and mucus tests too horrifying to discuss here and the senator will be fit as a fiddle." Next month, doctors at the Cleveland Clinic will manually disimpact stool from McCain's fetid rectum in what is expected to be a painless procedure for the spry and virile Arizona senator.

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Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

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