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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Another Disgusting Operation Proves John McCain Is Healthy

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—In an act designed to completely reassure voters about his health, presidential candidate John McCain checked himself into the Mayo Clinic yesterday, where he successfully completed another unbearably bloody, invasive, and most foul operation. "Sen. McCain's enterocutaneous fistula was treated swiftly and without incident, " said Dr. Michael Yardley, standing before the press covered in the 72-year-old's blood and fecal matter. "After we breached the abdominal wall to take numerous tissue samples from his small intestine, it was clear the senator was in perfect health for his age. A few more simple blood and mucus tests too horrifying to discuss here and the senator will be fit as a fiddle." Next month, doctors at the Cleveland Clinic will manually disimpact stool from McCain's fetid rectum in what is expected to be a painless procedure for the spry and virile Arizona senator.

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