Anquan Boldin

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 05

Onion Sports' Live Coverage Of Super Bowl XLVII

Highlights Pregame Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl Pregame Onion Sports' Guide To Super Bowl XLVII Pregame Coverage Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl “I’m so pumped up! I can...

Hometown Wistfully Toured Via Google Street View

COLUMBUS, OH—Eleven years after last walking through his hometown, 29-year-old local man Paul Brundage reportedly spent the entire evening Friday revisiting his childhood neighborhood in Decatur, IL using the Google Maps Street View feature.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Anquan Boldin

Ravens Wide Receiver

Strength: Never shatters Joe Flacco’s confidence by telling him what he actually thinks; Great guy to have in the locker room if you need to borrow shampoo or cologne; Gets separation from speedy defensive backs by running very slowly; Can catch wobbly, piece of shit that Flacco calls a fucking pass

Weakness: Steady and dependable job performance makes him unrelatable to most of U.S. populace; Excels at getting tackled after the catch; Gets so excited about routes he shouts them out loud

40-Yard-Dash: Doesn’t have anything to prove to you

Most Comparable Receiver: One-half of 2005 Anquan Boldin

Skill: Excellent vertical leap while jumping up and down to cheer on Ravens defense; Great at picking up a few extra compliments after spectacular catches

Background: Played football in high school, college, and NFL

More Super Bowl Coverage

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More