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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Ant Born

ENID, OK—Formicidae Polyergus Queen FPS-4003651-D407 is gorged on nutrient paste and resting comfortably following Monday’s successful delivery of a beautiful ant larva, designated GW-40036516-2093. According to doctors, the .0000000001-ounce newborn ant has an "excellent chance" of surviving the larval and pupal stages and maturing into adulthood to become a productive food-gathering worker drone. Minutes after its birth, 2093, along with its 4,306 identical sacmates, was placed in the care of larvae-maintenance drones KJ-97865987-3008 through 3097. "Have you ever seen such a beautiful baby ant?" nursery-maintenance drone 3061 said. "A miracle like this, which only occurs about 2,810,000 times in a lifetime, really reminds you what life is all about."

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