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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Ant Born

ENID, OK—Formicidae Polyergus Queen FPS-4003651-D407 is gorged on nutrient paste and resting comfortably following Monday’s successful delivery of a beautiful ant larva, designated GW-40036516-2093. According to doctors, the .0000000001-ounce newborn ant has an "excellent chance" of surviving the larval and pupal stages and maturing into adulthood to become a productive food-gathering worker drone. Minutes after its birth, 2093, along with its 4,306 identical sacmates, was placed in the care of larvae-maintenance drones KJ-97865987-3008 through 3097. "Have you ever seen such a beautiful baby ant?" nursery-maintenance drone 3061 said. "A miracle like this, which only occurs about 2,810,000 times in a lifetime, really reminds you what life is all about."

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