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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Ant Colony Comes To Halt After Death Of Popular Worker

OLD BRIDGE, NJ—The transportation of nourishing bread crumbs came to an abrupt halt Thursday morning when ant colony 000082567KLN00067X collectively paused to remember the life of veteran worker FL77542PM4. Workers HJ997462M and IK002620FC secreted primer pheromones to signal the start of the solemn moment, and Queen XHB004-65B memorialized the event by releasing a scent trail from her engorged abdomen. Known throughout the superorganism for being in constant locomotion, FL77542PM4 had been a member of the colony since he first emerged from his pupal casing, and was considered an expert at nest construction. The service ended when fellow workers marched over his body, tore apart his thorax, and began feeding their fallen compatriot to their young.

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