Antarctic Observational Comic Running Out Of Ideas

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Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.
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Antarctic Observational Comic Running Out Of Ideas

BYRD, ANTARCTICA—Brad Swithers, three-time winner of the Molson Ice/Edge Gel South Pole Laff-Off, said Monday that he is running out of ideas for observational humor about life in Antarctica. "I've already made tons of 'What's the deal with those ice chunks that form between the huskies' toes?' jokes," Swithers said. "And, of course, I've done the whole penguins-and-smelt thing to death." Swithers added that he's currently working on a bit about the differences between Amundsen Bay and Voyeykov Ice Shelf women.