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Antarctic Observational Comic Running Out Of Ideas

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Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Antarctic Observational Comic Running Out Of Ideas

BYRD, ANTARCTICA—Brad Swithers, three-time winner of the Molson Ice/Edge Gel South Pole Laff-Off, said Monday that he is running out of ideas for observational humor about life in Antarctica. "I've already made tons of 'What's the deal with those ice chunks that form between the huskies' toes?' jokes," Swithers said. "And, of course, I've done the whole penguins-and-smelt thing to death." Swithers added that he's currently working on a bit about the differences between Amundsen Bay and Voyeykov Ice Shelf women.

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