Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Anthony Weiner Sends Apology Sext To Entire Clinton Campaign

BROOKLYN, NY—In response to the FBI’s announcement that its investigation of him had produced new evidence that could pertain to its probe of the Democratic presidential nominee, Anthony Weiner reportedly sent an apology sext early Monday morning to the entire Hillary Clinton campaign. “Just wanted u 2 know I am so so sorry for the mess I caused everybody,” read the first of several group text messages that Weiner sent to over two dozen top campaign staffers between the hours of 1 a.m. and 2 a.m., a series that reportedly also included a grainy close-up photograph of the former congressman’s right nipple, several images of his erect penis protruding from his boxer briefs, and a fully nude selfie taken in front of a bathroom mirror on which he had written the phrase “I’m a bad boy” in lipstick. “U know I’d do just about anything to patch things up. I just hope nobody over there wants to give me a spanking! So hard right now.” At press time, sources confirmed that Weiner was speaking to the angry father of the 13-year-old girl whose number is reportedly one digit off from that of Clinton campaign manager John Podesta.

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