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Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
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Anti-Bacterial Tips

With new anti-bacterial products hitting the stores every day, millions of Americans are waging a war on germs. Here are some ways you can reduce your risk of exposure to dangerous bacteria:

  • Soak all toilet tissue in bleach before applying to anus
  • Start up a neighborhood "germ-watch"
  • Blow nose into vacuum-sealed cylinder for later disposal in heart of sun
  • Add "just a touch" of Lysol® to morning coffee
  • Study TV ads carefully for information on possible locations of hidden household germs
  • Incinerate clothes after wearing
  • Cover body with linoleum, wipe down four times daily with Formula 409® Anti-Bacterial Cleanser
  • Move to germ-free gated community
  • Soak babies in detergent when not in use
  • Let germs know how bad they make you feel
  • Swab all meat with surgical scrub before eating
  • Boil everything: plates, silverware, drapes, sofa, CDs
  • Use bleach to wipe down exposed surfaces of house guests
  • Limit contact with carbon-based life

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