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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Anti-Bacterial Tips

With new anti-bacterial products hitting the stores every day, millions of Americans are waging a war on germs. Here are some ways you can reduce your risk of exposure to dangerous bacteria:

  • Soak all toilet tissue in bleach before applying to anus
  • Start up a neighborhood "germ-watch"
  • Blow nose into vacuum-sealed cylinder for later disposal in heart of sun
  • Add "just a touch" of Lysol® to morning coffee
  • Study TV ads carefully for information on possible locations of hidden household germs
  • Incinerate clothes after wearing
  • Cover body with linoleum, wipe down four times daily with Formula 409® Anti-Bacterial Cleanser
  • Move to germ-free gated community
  • Soak babies in detergent when not in use
  • Let germs know how bad they make you feel
  • Swab all meat with surgical scrub before eating
  • Boil everything: plates, silverware, drapes, sofa, CDs
  • Use bleach to wipe down exposed surfaces of house guests
  • Limit contact with carbon-based life

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