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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Anti-Bacterial Tips

With new anti-bacterial products hitting the stores every day, millions of Americans are waging a war on germs. Here are some ways you can reduce your risk of exposure to dangerous bacteria:

  • Soak all toilet tissue in bleach before applying to anus
  • Start up a neighborhood "germ-watch"
  • Blow nose into vacuum-sealed cylinder for later disposal in heart of sun
  • Add "just a touch" of Lysol® to morning coffee
  • Study TV ads carefully for information on possible locations of hidden household germs
  • Incinerate clothes after wearing
  • Cover body with linoleum, wipe down four times daily with Formula 409® Anti-Bacterial Cleanser
  • Move to germ-free gated community
  • Soak babies in detergent when not in use
  • Let germs know how bad they make you feel
  • Swab all meat with surgical scrub before eating
  • Boil everything: plates, silverware, drapes, sofa, CDs
  • Use bleach to wipe down exposed surfaces of house guests
  • Limit contact with carbon-based life

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