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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Anti-Racism Laws Mutate Racism Into Newer, Stronger Form

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday by the Center For The Study Of Human-Morality-Legislation Attempts, the passage of anti-racism laws in recent decades may have caused racism to mutate into newer, stronger forms, undermining federal efforts to control the spread of the disease by spawning new strains of "super-racism" impervious to traditional treatment methods.

Focus On Racism

"Despite the noble efforts of a generation of dedicated government officials in the executive and judicial branches who have devoted their lives to finding a cure for racism, it appears that many of the legal procedures intended to eradicate the disease may be doing more long-term harm than good," said Richard Jackson, CSHMLA director and one of the principal authors of the controversial study. "Our research has found that, in the presence of anti-racist legislative agents, certain strains of racism respond by developing powerful immunities, transforming into even more virulent forms of hatred."

These new mutant strains, the report read, breed more aggressively than ordinary racism, proliferating rapidly in powerful, highly infectious cultures that are often difficult or impossible for anti-racist legislation to detect. Further, because these new strains adapt quickly to legislative antibodies, they become stronger the more they are attacked, absorbing the anti-racist measures into their own ideological make-up and putting neighboring social-cell structures at greater risk of infection.

"These mutant forms have learned to mask themselves under pseudo-tolerant guises that existing anti-racism laws cannot detect, attaching themselves to normal, non-infected societal tissue in order to appear benign," Jackson said. "Soon, however, they begin to steadily spread, causing healthy bodies to decay from within and converting the host culture to their own insidious agenda."

Though there is much debate over the effectiveness of anti-racist legislation, most experts agree that such treatment methods have shown results in the past. Racism, once a widespread irritant throughout the various organs of society, seems to have gone into remission in recent years. Red, inflamed outbursts of hate speech have become less common and been eradicated almost entirely in some social systems. All-white institutions have become largely a thing of the past, and at least some measure of diversity has been adopted by most of the idea-circulatory system, creating a widespread impression of overall sociological health.

Yet the CSHMLA report suggests that these victories may be largely illusory. According to the report, by attacking only the symptoms of racism and not its economic and social causes, legislative efforts to vaccinate the populace against racism may have accelerated rather than halted the spread of the disease.

Richard Jackson, director of the Center For The Study Of Human-Morality-Legislation Attempts.

"Many of the ideas formerly circulated in the open have withdrawn into hidden corners of society, transforming undetected into malignant growths that feed off the sort of resentment that anti-racist legislative agents were designed to target. "By banning hate speech, we have unintentionally given a new voice to hatred, a secret code exchanged only in private, where it can go untreated for years."

"In a similar manner," the report continued, "the hiring quotas established by well-intentioned affirmative-action programs over the last three decades may be functioning as a carrier of the disease, providing a pseudo-moral justification for privately held racist beliefs by creating an atmosphere of perceived 'unfairness' and thus breeding even greater super-racist infestations."

The report goes on to detail other anti-racism measures that have become corrupted by the illnesses they were designed to isolate and destroy. These include many social-welfare programs, the rezoning of voting districts, and many current public-housing policies. In each case, the report read, the inoculative measure, while it has killed off the weaker forms of the disease, has left the most legislation-resistant strains to survive and breed anew at an enhanced strength.

Jackson cautioned that the situation may get even worse.

"We must remain diligent in our commitment to the fight against racism, but after many years of struggle, society remains no closer to the ultimate goal of finding a cure," Jackson said. "At this point, I am afraid that, at least for the immediate future, the prognosis is not good."

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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