Anti-Spam Legislation Opposed By Powerful Penis-Enlargement Lobby

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Vol 38 Issue 25

Sherwin-Williams Triumphantly Reports Nearly Half The Planet Covered In Paint

CLEVELAND— Sherwin-Williams officials announced Monday that the company is nearing the midpoint of its 112-year project to cover the Earth in a coat of bright red paint. "We're proud to announce that the entire Northern Hemisphere should be slathered 10 feet deep in candy-apple red Latex Semi-Gloss by year's end," Sherwin-Williams CEO Christopher Connor said. "And we are fully confident that the rest of the globe can be completed well before the giant space bucket runs out of paint." For the more difficult second-phase painting of the Earth's underside, workmen equipped with spray hoses will be suspended by cables from the equator.

Winning Dad Forces Tired Child To Finish Monopoly Game

DOWNERS GROVE, IL— With hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place, Ted Cleamons, 36, forced his exhausted 8-year-old son Andy to stay up late Monday to finish their Monopoly game. "Come on, kiddo, it shouldn't be too much longer," Ted told a bleary-eyed Andy at 11:15 p.m., just past the game's three-hour mark. "Go again, you rolled doubles."

Missing White Girl Drives Missing Black Girl From Headlines

CORVALLIS, OR— Becky Van Gelder, an 11-year-old white girl from Corvallis, was abducted from her home Monday, bumping 10-year-old Chicago black girl Tyesha Washington from the nation's newspaper headlines. "When a child is harmed, we all lose a small piece of our collective innocence," said USA Today managing editor Donna McCutcheon, who moved the Washington abduction to page 23A to make room for Van Gelder on the cover. "Especially when it's a young blonde girl like Becky."

Israeli Bus Driver Wants Really Big Raise

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL— His nerves shot, Tel Aviv bus driver Yehuda Ben-Zvi said Monday that he wants a "really big" raise. "I'm sorry, but 20 lousy sheqels an hour to drive a bus in this country just doesn't cut it," said Ben-Zvi, 44, nervously scanning each person boarding his bus. "If they don't up me to at least 100 [sheqels] an hour, I'm outta here." Added Ben-Zvi: "Shit, it's not like I've got some deep commitment to providing public transportation. People can walk."

Executing The Mentally Retarded

The Supreme Court recently ruled that executing mentally retarded criminals is "cruel and unusual punishment," violating the Eighth Amendment. What do you think?
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Anti-Spam Legislation Opposed By Powerful Penis-Enlargement Lobby

WASHINGTON, DC—Efforts to pass legislation restricting Internet "spam"—unsolicited mass e-mails usually for advertising purposes—are meeting with strong resistance from the nation's powerful penis-enlargement lobby.

Denny Garner, president of the National Association of Penis Enlargers, makes his case before a House subcommittee.

"If this legislation passes, the government would, for all intents and purposes, be taking three to four inches off America's cocks," said Denny Garner, president of the National Association of Penis Enlargers (NAPE), speaking to reporters Monday. "For millions of poorly hung American men, spam is a vital source of information about penis-enlargement options, and our elected officials have no right to take it away from them."

Added Garner: "MAKE YOUR DICK BIGGER THAN A CLUB!!!"

H.R. 2319, or the Electronic Mail Limitations Act, is slated to go before the House of Representatives next week. The bill would empower states to prosecute so-called "spammers" and impose fines or jail time against adults convicted of e-mailing unsolicited advertisements to strangers.

If signed into law, H.R. 2319 would likely prove devastating to manufacturers and vendors of pills, pumps, and creams designed to increase penis size.

"The entire penis-enlargement industry is threatened by this bill," Garner said. "Despite what most people think, not all penis-pill and penis-pump makers are big and wealthy. There are many self-starting entrepreneurs who play a vital role in keeping the industry competitive. This bill would drive them out of the marketplace, leaving only the large multinationals like the Dong Group."

"Congress may feel pressure to kowtow to the interests of anti-spam consumer-advocacy groups," Garner continued, "but they do so at the expense of the hardworking men and women of Penis Pump Fabricators Local 704 of Toledo, who make Cockzilla Wonder Pumps to put food on the table for their families. These are the real victims of this bill."

In addition to NAPE, other groups are taking steps to halt the legislation. Last Thursday, Applied Products Limited, makers of Thunderdick Cockstretchin' Pillz, ran a full-page ad in USA Today urging Congress to vote down H.R. 2319. Ron Jeremy, adult-film star and host of the popular late-night talk show Sex Talk, has been aggressively lobbying Sen. Christopher Bond (R-MO), who is expected to be a key swing vote should the bill proceed to the Senate.

"I don't recall the First Amendment saying, 'Speech is free unless you're promoting a pill that's guaranteed to make your dick longer and thicker,'" Jeremy said. "I honestly cannot find that phrase. If this nation's men did not desire meaty, 10-inch schlongs, then products to achieve that end would not exist, much less sell. This bill suppresses something Americans need and want."

Albert Tuckman, co-director of the D.C.-based Save Our Spam, echoed Jeremy's sentiments, condemning the bill as unconstitutional.

"If an American entrepreneur cannot use media outlets to promote his dick-lengthening product, what can he use it for?" Tuckman said. "As surely as every man has the inalienable right to add up to four terrifying inches to his wang, I have the right to inform them how and for what price this may be achieved."

"There is no moral gray area here," Tuckman continued. "This is a story of right and wrong and miracle 14-inch horse cocks................. Become a SUPERSTUD!!!"

Supporting the penis-enlargement lobby in its efforts are other groups threatened by the anti-spam legislation.

"The penis enlargers have shrewdly formed a coalition with other industries that depend heavily upon mass e-mail, including the American Association To LOSE WEIGHT FAST and the National Alliance To GET OUT OF DEBT NOW," said Nicholas Lerman of the Cato Institute. "This coalition also includes the formidable National Organization To GO FROM AN A-CUP TO A D IN JUST 10 DAYS."

Roger Skolnick, genitalia-enhancement editor of Newsweek, said the anti-spam bill would damage one of the few thriving sectors of the U.S. economy.

"Sales of penis-enlargement treatments and devices in 2000 totaled in excess of $600 million," Skolnick said. "Cock-lengthening is, no pun intended, a consistent growth industry in the U.S., and this bill would severely emasculate it. As usual, it's the little guy who suffers."

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