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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Ants Demand 23.9-Hour Workday

STILLWATER, OK—Frustrated with what they describe as unreasonable working conditions, a local clan of carpenter ants went on strike Tuesday to demand that their workday be reduced to 23 hours and 54 minutes. “All we ask is a mere six minutes off each day, so that we might rest and replenish ourselves with nutrient paste,” said ant spokesman HR-23200165-8608. “Is that so unreasonable?” Sources within the ant clan have suggested that the workers are willing to compromise, and would likely accept a 167.65-hour work week. If the strike persists for another three seconds, the queen of the clan has threatened to dispatch her legion of hunter-seeker warrior-class drones to devour the 18,000 ants participating in the strike.

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