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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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AP Reporter In Gaza Needs Another Term For ‘Blood-Soaked’

GAZA CITY—Saying that he doesn’t want to use the same phrasing yet again in his latest article, Associated Press journalist Marcus Lambert, who has been stationed in the Gaza Strip since the beginning of this month’s most recent outbreak of Israeli-Palestinian violence, told reporters Wednesday that he is having trouble finding another term for “blood-soaked.” “I’m trying to find a way to describe the scene after today’s airstrikes, but I’ve used ‘blood-soaked’ two times already,” Lambert said while writing his latest update, adding that he had also used up the phrases “blood-drenched,” “bloodstained,” and “saturated with blood” in the same dispatch. “Blood-spattered is close, but it’s not quite right. The problem is that there are only so many expressions to describe this kind of thing. And you can’t just say ‘a whole lot of blood’ or ‘more blood than ever before’—that’s not AP style. Maybe I could describe the blast site as ‘crimsoned?’ Man, this is a tough one.” At press time, following heavy shelling of Gaza’s Bani Suhaila region, Lambert was also intently seeking synonyms for “bombed-out,” “wailing,” and “orphan.”

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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

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