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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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AP Reporter In Gaza Needs Another Term For ‘Blood-Soaked’

GAZA CITY—Saying that he doesn’t want to use the same phrasing yet again in his latest article, Associated Press journalist Marcus Lambert, who has been stationed in the Gaza Strip since the beginning of this month’s most recent outbreak of Israeli-Palestinian violence, told reporters Wednesday that he is having trouble finding another term for “blood-soaked.” “I’m trying to find a way to describe the scene after today’s airstrikes, but I’ve used ‘blood-soaked’ two times already,” Lambert said while writing his latest update, adding that he had also used up the phrases “blood-drenched,” “bloodstained,” and “saturated with blood” in the same dispatch. “Blood-spattered is close, but it’s not quite right. The problem is that there are only so many expressions to describe this kind of thing. And you can’t just say ‘a whole lot of blood’ or ‘more blood than ever before’—that’s not AP style. Maybe I could describe the blast site as ‘crimsoned?’ Man, this is a tough one.” At press time, following heavy shelling of Gaza’s Bani Suhaila region, Lambert was also intently seeking synonyms for “bombed-out,” “wailing,” and “orphan.”

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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