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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Apartment Full Of Jesus Stuff Brings Date To Screeching Halt

PAWTUCKET, RI–A first date that "actually seemed to be going pretty well" came to a screeching halt Saturday, when area resident Kyle Richman stepped into Melinda Tulle's Christ-packed apartment.

The apartment which ended Richman's date "in about two seconds flat."

"Immediately upon walking into the living room, I spotted that framed Last Supper hanging above the couch," said Richman, 32, speaking from the safety of his own non-Jesus-themed apartment. "It took me about half a second to realize that it just wasn't going to happen for the two of us."

Richman expressed regret that the evening turned sour, but also relief that he "found out when [he] did."

"It was only our first date, but I'd been thinking I might have actually found someone nice for a change," Richman said. "But when I saw all those Jesus eyes staring down at me, I realized I'd made a mistake–a big mistake."

Among the other Christian decorative items Richman encountered were rosary beads, a St. Peter statuette, several glass angels arranged on an end table, and a gruesomely detailed Christ-on-the-crucifix painting casually placed above the television.

Excusing himself to the bathroom to collect his thoughts, Richman found a Virgin Mary night light and a heavily highlighted book titled Living Your Faith.

"The book sealed it," Richman said. "She wasn't just a Christian; she was one who actually 'lived her faith.' There was no way to make it work between us."

Just minutes prior, an excited Richman had been driving Tulle home as the two energetically discussed music.

Melinda Tulle inside St. Bernard's Catholic Church, which she is obviously way into.

"All of Melinda's favorite bands were ones I'd never even heard of–Footprints, Garden's Edge, Everybodyduck, Concrete Jesus–so I figured they must be some of those alternative bands I don't know anything about," Richman said. "When she asked me if I wanted to stop up to her apartment and borrow some CDs, I said sure. I was like, wow, this date must be going even better than I thought if she's asking me up to her place."

Even after seeing the Jesus-laden apartment, Richman said he still clung to the faint hope that the religious items belonged to a roommate. Tulle confirmed, however, that the Jesus stuff did belong to her and was not there for any kitsch value.

"My faith is very important to me," Tulle told Richman. "It makes me feel at home to know the Lord's presence is near. Please, sit down. I'll get you something to drink."

Said Richman: "I honestly never saw it coming. I mean, she was wearing a cross around her neck, but I figured it didn't mean much. Lots of Christians wear those, not just Christian Christians."

The pair met on Mar. 12 when Tulle came into the Eastgate Mall B. Dalton where Richman works to buy a book for her niece. The purchase led to a brief conversation between Richman and Tulle about their own favorite childhood books, and he asked her out to dinner.

Richman reported that the date began well. He and Tulle enjoyed dinner at a local Italian restaurant, enthusiastically discussing their shared love of dogs, camping, and The Wizard Of Oz, and then stopped by a nearby ice-cream shop for sundaes.

"It was going great: She was laughing at all my jokes and said I had 'wonderfully deep' eyes," Richman said. "At one point, I suggested that we go to a dance bar, but she said she didn't really like dancing. Now I see it's probably not so much that she doesn't like dancing but is against dancing. And when she said most movies and TV shows are awful these days, she didn't mean lame or dumb, but sinful."

The evening ended approximately 10 minutes after Richman entered the apartment, when Tulle mentioned she was going to church the following morning.

"Before she could get a chance to invite me, I said I thought I left my car door unlocked and got the hell out of there," Richman said. "The worst part is, I can't even just avoid her because I have all these CDs I have to return. Christ."

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