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Apartment-Hunting Tips

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Apartment-Hunting Tips

Hunting for an apartment is hard work, but here are some pointers to help you find your perfect living space:

  • Before beginning your apartment search, pick up all the clothes your girlfriend threw out into the street.
  • Always meet the landlord before signing the lease. That way, you can get a feel for whether he’s the kind of guy who will put miniature cameras everywhere.
  • Wear your special apartment-hunting fedora, so landlords will know you’re serious.
  • Craigslist.org can be a reliable source for urban apartment hunters and people who like to get peed on.
  • Often, landlords request a deposit equal to the first month’s rent. This is known as “asshole money.”
  • Remember that, as with any sort of hunting, it’s important to bring the right size gun.
  • Living above a bar might seem cool, but it’s wise to check out the jukebox before signing the lease.
  • When viewing a potential apartment, be sure to touch the doorknob before going in. If it’s hot, don’t open it. The backdraft could blow you clear across the street.
  • Learn what the ads actually mean. For example, “close to public transportation” can mean “close to people who use public transportation,” and “charming” often means “an 80-year-old live-in landlady who will tromp around the building in nothing but a rotting nylon nightgown.”
  • Never underestimate the importance of hardwood floors and exposed brick. If you do not have the budget to afford an apartment that boasts these features, consider living in a coal chute.
  • Many real-estate agents and brokers will try to take advantage of you, as if you were some kind of chump. Inform them early on that you’re not some kind of chump.

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