adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
End Of Section
  • More News

Apartment-Hunting Tips

Hunting for an apartment is hard work, but here are some pointers to help you find your perfect living space:

  • Before beginning your apartment search, pick up all the clothes your girlfriend threw out into the street.
  • Always meet the landlord before signing the lease. That way, you can get a feel for whether he’s the kind of guy who will put miniature cameras everywhere.
  • Wear your special apartment-hunting fedora, so landlords will know you’re serious.
  • Craigslist.org can be a reliable source for urban apartment hunters and people who like to get peed on.
  • Often, landlords request a deposit equal to the first month’s rent. This is known as “asshole money.”
  • Remember that, as with any sort of hunting, it’s important to bring the right size gun.
  • Living above a bar might seem cool, but it’s wise to check out the jukebox before signing the lease.
  • When viewing a potential apartment, be sure to touch the doorknob before going in. If it’s hot, don’t open it. The backdraft could blow you clear across the street.
  • Learn what the ads actually mean. For example, “close to public transportation” can mean “close to people who use public transportation,” and “charming” often means “an 80-year-old live-in landlady who will tromp around the building in nothing but a rotting nylon nightgown.”
  • Never underestimate the importance of hardwood floors and exposed brick. If you do not have the budget to afford an apartment that boasts these features, consider living in a coal chute.
  • Many real-estate agents and brokers will try to take advantage of you, as if you were some kind of chump. Inform them early on that you’re not some kind of chump.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close