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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Apartment-Hunting Tips

Hunting for an apartment is hard work, but here are some pointers to help you find your perfect living space:

  • Before beginning your apartment search, pick up all the clothes your girlfriend threw out into the street.
  • Always meet the landlord before signing the lease. That way, you can get a feel for whether he’s the kind of guy who will put miniature cameras everywhere.
  • Wear your special apartment-hunting fedora, so landlords will know you’re serious.
  • Craigslist.org can be a reliable source for urban apartment hunters and people who like to get peed on.
  • Often, landlords request a deposit equal to the first month’s rent. This is known as “asshole money.”
  • Remember that, as with any sort of hunting, it’s important to bring the right size gun.
  • Living above a bar might seem cool, but it’s wise to check out the jukebox before signing the lease.
  • When viewing a potential apartment, be sure to touch the doorknob before going in. If it’s hot, don’t open it. The backdraft could blow you clear across the street.
  • Learn what the ads actually mean. For example, “close to public transportation” can mean “close to people who use public transportation,” and “charming” often means “an 80-year-old live-in landlady who will tromp around the building in nothing but a rotting nylon nightgown.”
  • Never underestimate the importance of hardwood floors and exposed brick. If you do not have the budget to afford an apartment that boasts these features, consider living in a coal chute.
  • Many real-estate agents and brokers will try to take advantage of you, as if you were some kind of chump. Inform them early on that you’re not some kind of chump.
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