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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Apartment-Hunting Tips

Hunting for an apartment is hard work, but here are some pointers to help you find your perfect living space:

  • Before beginning your apartment search, pick up all the clothes your girlfriend threw out into the street.
  • Always meet the landlord before signing the lease. That way, you can get a feel for whether he’s the kind of guy who will put miniature cameras everywhere.
  • Wear your special apartment-hunting fedora, so landlords will know you’re serious.
  • Craigslist.org can be a reliable source for urban apartment hunters and people who like to get peed on.
  • Often, landlords request a deposit equal to the first month’s rent. This is known as “asshole money.”
  • Remember that, as with any sort of hunting, it’s important to bring the right size gun.
  • Living above a bar might seem cool, but it’s wise to check out the jukebox before signing the lease.
  • When viewing a potential apartment, be sure to touch the doorknob before going in. If it’s hot, don’t open it. The backdraft could blow you clear across the street.
  • Learn what the ads actually mean. For example, “close to public transportation” can mean “close to people who use public transportation,” and “charming” often means “an 80-year-old live-in landlady who will tromp around the building in nothing but a rotting nylon nightgown.”
  • Never underestimate the importance of hardwood floors and exposed brick. If you do not have the budget to afford an apartment that boasts these features, consider living in a coal chute.
  • Many real-estate agents and brokers will try to take advantage of you, as if you were some kind of chump. Inform them early on that you’re not some kind of chump.

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