Apartment-Wide Porn Sweep Precedes Date's Arrival

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Vol 36 Issue 20

Woman Apologizes For What Appears To Be Clean House

PAWTUCKET, RI–For no apparent reason, Pawtucket resident Estelle Scheide, 53, apologized to houseguests Tuesday for the "terribly messy" condition of her spotless house. "I'm so sorry about this," Scheide told a group of visiting relatives. "It's not normally this bad, I swear." "What was she talking about?" son-in-law Bruce Unger asked. "I didn't see a mess anywhere. Did she mean the vacuum cleaner that was out? Or maybe that bag of to-be-recycled newspapers by the back door. Weird."

Toys 'R' Us Sign Triggers Pavlovian Shrieking Response In Child

FREDERICK, MD–A Pavlovian response mechanism was triggered in Jamie Bolz Monday, when the 5-year-old reflexively shrieked at the top of his lungs upon seeing a large, colorful Toys 'R' Us sign during a family car trip. "Ahhhhhhhh! Toys 'R' Us! Toys 'R' Us!" Bolz involuntarily shouted despite countless lectures from his mother about proper car-trip conduct. Behavioral psychologists have likened Bolz's response to the well-documented Burger King-salivation reflex.

Conversation With Boss Puts Man An Hour Behind

CHICAGO–A conversation with his boss set Latham, Towson & Green marketing executive Alex Henkel back an hour Monday. "Jesus, I'm gonna be here until midnight," Henkel, 31, said after the time-consuming chat. "I've got tons of work to do today, and the last thing I needed was to have some bullshit pow-wow with [supervisor] Bill [Svoboda]." Svoboda called for the unproductive, 60-minute meeting to "go over some general strategies and just make sure we're on the same page about things."

MIT Physicists Split The Smithereen

CAMBRIDGE, MA–A team of MIT physicists announced Monday that they have successfully split the smithereen, heretofore considered the smallest possible unit of matter. "For decades, conventional scientific wisdom held that the most to which you could blow something was smithereens," Dr. Jonathan Eng said. "It now appears that it is possible, under certain special laboratory conditions, to blow something to sub-smithereens." Eng said he believes the discovery will revolutionize humanity's potential for harnessing smithereenetic energy.

Area Man Coughs To Let Others Know He's In Bathroom

ATLANTA–Seeking to break the tension and inform others that he was in the bathroom, Barnes & Noble men's-room- stall occupant Larry Ardell coughed Monday. "I was alone in the bathroom, taking a dump, when I could hear one or two other guys walk in," Ardell recalled. "I wasn't sure they knew I was there, and I started getting a little uptight about it, so I decided to cough." Ardell said he had considered rattling the toilet-paper dispenser as a means of announcing his presence, but decided against it out of concern that it would call attention to his wiping.

Clinton Goes On Fun Plane Ride

LISBON, PORTUGAL–President Clinton deplaned from Air Force One excited and thrilled Monday following a fun plane ride from Washington to Lisbon for an eight-day, three-nation European trip. "I went on the airplane," Clinton shouted to Portuguese president Jorge Sampaio. "We went way, way up high, and I saw lots of clouds." Clinton, who has refused to remove the golden-wings pin given to him by Air Force One pilot Edwin Jacobs, capped his remarks with several seconds of airplane noises.

Federal Security Breaches

Last week, it was reported that federal investigators carrying fake law-enforcement credentials were able to penetrate security at 21 government buildings, including the Pentagon, CIA, FBI, and Justice Department. What do you think about these alarming security breaches?

Praise The Lord... And Pass The Chocolate!

Hey, Jeanketeers, remember in my last column, how I said I was going to tell hubby Rick about my decision to retire from the workaday world and become a full-time housewife? Well, if you were anywhere in the vicinity of 1567 Blossom Meadows Drive on the evening of May 3, I sure hope you had a good pair of earplugs!
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Apartment-Wide Porn Sweep Precedes Date's Arrival

BETHPAGE, NY–Preparing for the arrival of dinner date Amanda Raskin, area resident Randy Thaler conducted a thorough porn sweep of his one-bedroom apartment Monday.

Randy Thaler purges his apartment of all visible pornographic material.

"I almost forgot to do it, actually," the 24-year-old graphic designer said. "But while I was clearing off the kitchen table, I saw the box for A Fistful Of Dolores sitting out and thought, 'Oh, shit.'"

As a pot of spinach fettuccine boiled in the kitchen, Thaler swiftly moved through the apartment, racing to collect all traces of print- and video-based female objectification before his date's 7 p.m. arrival. First, he headed to the bathroom, where he removed from the top of the toilet a copy of last month's Playboy and a November 1999 issue of the non-pornographic but sexist Maxim magazine.

Thaler then proceeded to the living room, where he found a copy of Girls Gone Wild: Best Of Mardi Gras sticking out of the VCR. Sliding the tape safely underneath the couch, he turned to the nearby video shelf, upon which rested a copy of Butt-Fuck Sluts Go Nuts, Vol. 31, a tape Thaler received "as a total joke from the guys" for his birthday last year. He promptly hid the hardcore anal-sex video behind a New York Giants 1998 season-highlight video.

"I almost blocked Butt-Fuck Sluts with When Harry Met Sally..., but then I realized Amanda might pick that one up and see what was behind it," Thaler said. "So, not wanting to take any chances, I decided to block it with a sports video instead of a regular movie."

More disaster was averted when, at the last minute, Thaler decided against excluding the kitchen from his porn sweep, remembering that a postcard featuring a row of G-string-clad posteriors and the phrase "Cancun's Natural Assets" was taped to his refrigerator. While disposing of the postcard, Thaler also noticed the partially completed Vivid Video mail-order form that had been sitting on his phone table.

Some of the items uncovered during the sweep.

Moving to the bedroom, Thaler sifted through the stack of periodicals on the floor next to his bed, removing all of them with the exception of a single issue of Details. Thaler then took the 16-ounce tube of Astro-Glide he keeps on his nightstand and hid it in the top drawer of his dresser. A semen-encrusted sock lying next to the bed was also removed from view.

With scant minutes to go before his date's arrival and numerous non-porn-related matters still requiring his attention before the apartment could be considered romance-ready, Thaler was forced to conclude the sweep. Tossing a copy of Perfect 10 magazine onto his top closet shelf, he returned to the kitchen to light a candle, dim the lights, and strain the fettuccine.

"It's not like I'm some perverted, freako porn-hound," Thaler said. "It's just that I haven't really dated anyone in a while, and sometimes you need, you know, visual aids."

Added Thaler: "You don't realize how much porn you have until a woman's about to come over."

Raskin, a 23-year-old social worker who was set up with Thaler by a mutual friend, complimented the apartment upon arriving, calling it "a very nice place."

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