adBlockCheck

Apartment-Wide Porn Sweep Precedes Date's Arrival

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Eating

Apartment-Wide Porn Sweep Precedes Date's Arrival

BETHPAGE, NY–Preparing for the arrival of dinner date Amanda Raskin, area resident Randy Thaler conducted a thorough porn sweep of his one-bedroom apartment Monday.

Randy Thaler purges his apartment of all visible pornographic material.

"I almost forgot to do it, actually," the 24-year-old graphic designer said. "But while I was clearing off the kitchen table, I saw the box for A Fistful Of Dolores sitting out and thought, 'Oh, shit.'"

As a pot of spinach fettuccine boiled in the kitchen, Thaler swiftly moved through the apartment, racing to collect all traces of print- and video-based female objectification before his date's 7 p.m. arrival. First, he headed to the bathroom, where he removed from the top of the toilet a copy of last month's Playboy and a November 1999 issue of the non-pornographic but sexist Maxim magazine.

Thaler then proceeded to the living room, where he found a copy of Girls Gone Wild: Best Of Mardi Gras sticking out of the VCR. Sliding the tape safely underneath the couch, he turned to the nearby video shelf, upon which rested a copy of Butt-Fuck Sluts Go Nuts, Vol. 31, a tape Thaler received "as a total joke from the guys" for his birthday last year. He promptly hid the hardcore anal-sex video behind a New York Giants 1998 season-highlight video.

"I almost blocked Butt-Fuck Sluts with When Harry Met Sally..., but then I realized Amanda might pick that one up and see what was behind it," Thaler said. "So, not wanting to take any chances, I decided to block it with a sports video instead of a regular movie."

More disaster was averted when, at the last minute, Thaler decided against excluding the kitchen from his porn sweep, remembering that a postcard featuring a row of G-string-clad posteriors and the phrase "Cancun's Natural Assets" was taped to his refrigerator. While disposing of the postcard, Thaler also noticed the partially completed Vivid Video mail-order form that had been sitting on his phone table.

Some of the items uncovered during the sweep.

Moving to the bedroom, Thaler sifted through the stack of periodicals on the floor next to his bed, removing all of them with the exception of a single issue of Details. Thaler then took the 16-ounce tube of Astro-Glide he keeps on his nightstand and hid it in the top drawer of his dresser. A semen-encrusted sock lying next to the bed was also removed from view.

With scant minutes to go before his date's arrival and numerous non-porn-related matters still requiring his attention before the apartment could be considered romance-ready, Thaler was forced to conclude the sweep. Tossing a copy of Perfect 10 magazine onto his top closet shelf, he returned to the kitchen to light a candle, dim the lights, and strain the fettuccine.

"It's not like I'm some perverted, freako porn-hound," Thaler said. "It's just that I haven't really dated anyone in a while, and sometimes you need, you know, visual aids."

Added Thaler: "You don't realize how much porn you have until a woman's about to come over."

Raskin, a 23-year-old social worker who was set up with Thaler by a mutual friend, complimented the apartment upon arriving, calling it "a very nice place."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close